Find Answers to Your Questions ~ ‘me too’ Community

Question 1

When I was younger (12), my older brother molested me over the course of a few months. He doesn't know that I know, because he thought I was sleeping. Our relationship looks "normal" now, because I don't know what else to do. Some days it's all I can think about and I feel so sick I can't even speak. I have no one to tell. I don't want this to ruin my family, and I don't know if they'd even believe me. I need to know who I can talk to and how to deal with this.

Accepted Answer

What you are carrying right now is an enormous amount for one person to hold alone and reaching out here took real courage. Thank you for being here.

What you are describing is something a significant number of survivors have lived through. Some people use the term child-on-child sexual abuse, sometimes shortened to COCSA, to describe experiences like these. You do not have to use that label if it does not feel right to you, but knowing it exists, and knowing you are far from alone in this, matters. Research consistently shows that sibling sexual abuse is one of the most underreported forms of sexual harm, often for exactly the reasons you named...fear of breaking the family, fear of not being believed.

Keeping things "normal" on the surface makes complete sense. When someone who hurt you is also someone you live with, someone your family loves, someone at the dinner table every night, your mind finds ways to manage what feels unmanageable. Psychologists call this compartmentalization, which is essentially building a sealed room inside yourself to hold what is too painful to look at directly. It is not the same as pretending nothing happened. It is survival, and it has carried you this far.

The physical feeling you described, the sickness, the days when you cannot speak, the weight of it, those are signs that your body is holding something that has had nowhere to go. Trauma lives in the nervous system long after the event has passed. Sometimes something small brings everything rushing back and your throat closes, your stomach drops, your words disappear. Nothing about that means something is wrong with you. It means your body is responding to something genuinely overwhelming that it has been carrying without support.

You said you do not want this to ruin your family. That fear makes sense, and here is something worth sitting with...what created this situation was not your potential disclosure. It was what he did. You have been protecting everyone, including him, for years. You are allowed to protect yourself now. You do not have to tell your family right now, or ever, if you are not ready. But you do deserve someone safe to talk to, and that can start somewhere completely private.

RAINN has a free, confidential hotline at 1-800-656-4673, and an online chat if speaking out loud feels too hard. Confidential means what you share stays private. If you are younger, ChildHelp is specifically designed for young people and you can reach them by calling or texting 1-800-422-4453. You do not have to tell the whole story in the first conversation. You can simply say you are going through something hard and you need help figuring out what to do next. That is enough to start.

You have held this alone for a long time. You do not have to keep doing that. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 2

When I was 8 years old, my sister's best friend, who was 11 at the time, repeatedly touched me over the course of several months to over a year. I struggle with being around girls who look like her. I know I want to feel angry but I can't, because she was just a kid too. And the thing that haunts me most is that so much of my childhood is a blur. My memories are so repressed that I worry maybe I said yes at some point, and that what I have believed to be true all these years might not actually be real.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you are carrying here is heavy, and the fact that the memory piece is the thing haunting you most makes complete sense. Let me try to give you something real to hold onto.

First, the age difference matters. You were 8. She was 11. Those three years are not just a number gap, they represent a real difference in size, understanding, and power, and that difference is exactly why what happened was not something you could have agreed to in any meaningful way. Even if your memory played back every moment in perfect detail, an 8-year-old does not yet have the developmental capacity to understand what sexual contact is or what saying yes to it really means. What children that age can do is comply, which means going along with something because an older child has more power, more confidence, more ability to make something feel like it is just happening. Compliance is not the same as wanting it. It is not the same as choosing it. It does not make you responsible for what she started and continued doing for months.

In terms of the memory piece, what you are describing (large gaps, blurring, a sense that the past is somehow uncertain or unreliable) is one of the most documented responses to childhood trauma. When the brain is overwhelmed by something it cannot process, it does not store memories the way a camera would. Sometimes it holds fragments, body sensations, flashes of feeling, but not a clean, complete story. Trauma researchers connect this to dissociation, which you can think of as the mind pulling an emergency brake when something is too much to hold all at once. The absence of clear memory is not evidence that nothing happened. It is often evidence that something did, and that it was too much for a child to carry. And the painful part is, the doubt tends to get louder precisely because the memories are incomplete. When we cannot see the whole picture, shame and self-questioning rush in to fill the gaps. That is not your mind telling you the truth. That is your mind trying to make sense of something it was never given the tools to process.

The fear response you are describing around girls who look like her is your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do. Your body learned that a certain kind of person meant danger, and it has been running that alarm ever since. Trauma researchers call this a somatic memory. Your body is not being irrational. It is telling you something significant happened.

The part about not being able to feel angry is real and complicated, and a lot of survivors who experienced what some people call child-on-child sexual abuse, or COCSA, sit with that same tension. She was 11. She may not have fully understood what she was doing or she may have been acting something out that had been done to her. None of that erases what happened to you. Both of those things get to be true at the same time, and you do not have to resolve them into a single clean feeling.

Because so much of this lives in the body and in fragmented memory, two approaches worth knowing about are EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. Both are specifically designed for early, repeated childhood trauma, and neither requires you to have complete or reliable memories to be effective. When you are ready, and if you are interested, the Psychology Today therapist finder lets you filter by specialty and sliding scale fees. You do not have to have all the answers about your own memory to deserve that support.

Question 3

I've been reading through posts on this platform and I keep noticing how many of them involve what sounds like childhood sexual curiosity or experimentation — things like a child briefly touching another child's private area. It makes me wonder: how common is this really? Why don't we treat it as criminal even when technically it could be defined that way legally? And why do children do these things? As adults who may have experienced this, should we feel guilty?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. Whether you are asking for yourself, for someone you know, or simply because you want to understand the experiences shared on this site, your care comes through clearly.

Child-on-child sexual behavior, sometimes called COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse), exists on a spectrum. What the evidence consistently shows is that some degree of sexual curiosity and exploratory behavior between children is developmentally normal and quite common. Studies suggest that between 42 and 73 percent of adults report having had some kind of childhood sexual play with a peer, most often between the ages of 5 and 12. Brief touching, "playing doctor," or curiosity-driven exploration (particularly between children who are close in age) falls within the range of what child development researchers recognize as typical sexual behavior in children. Children are sensory beings who are actively making sense of their bodies and the world around them, and some of that sense-making gets directed at bodies, including other people's.

Why doesn't the law treat all of it as criminal, even when some of it technically meets a statutory definition? Because the criminal law, at its best, is trying to assess culpability-- the capacity to understand that what you are doing is wrong. Children, especially young ones, often do not have that capacity. A five-year-old or an eight-year-old doesn't have the neurological development, the moral framework, or the sexual understanding of an adult. The prefrontal cortex, which governs impulse control and understanding consequences, isn't fully developed until the mid-twenties. When a child acts in a sexually curious way with another child, especially one close in age, the law and clinical practice generally recognize that something very different is happening than when an adult does the same thing. That distinction matters enormously. Research on juvenile sex offender registries also shows they do not reduce the likelihood of reoffending, and they often cause lasting damage to a young person's life without making anyone safer which is why most places now handle these cases through child welfare and family support rather than criminal courts.

Where behavior crosses from typical exploration into something more serious is when there is a significant age gap, when coercion is involved (meaning pressure, manipulation, or the use of power to get someone to comply) when secrecy is used as a tool, or when one child clearly understands what they are doing and uses that knowledge to control another. The line isn't always clean, and many people carry real harm from experiences that might technically be described as "childhood experimentation." Both things can be true at once. The person who caused harm may have been young and confused and the impact on the other child was still real. Children who engage in sexual behavior with younger children have sometimes been sexually abused themselves and are acting out what was done to them, often without fully understanding it. Others have been exposed to sexual content before they had the framework to make sense of it. None of that erases the possible impact. It simply helps explain what was happening in that child's world.

As for guilt, this is where it helps to make a distinction that gets lost in most conversations about childhood experiences. Guilt and shame are not the same thing. Guilt says a behavior caused harm and that is actually useful information. It tells you that you care about impact, that your moral sense is working. Shame says something different. It says you are fundamentally bad, that what happened defines who you are. Guilt can move. Shame tends to calcify, and when it sits in silence without any framework for understanding, it stops being honest information and starts being damage. Adults who experienced these things as children (whether on the receiving end, as the one who initiated, or both) often carry shame that simply does not match what the developmental research tells us about how children actually function. Children are not miniature adults. They explore, they imitate, they make poor decisions. When those decisions involve sexualized behavior, it does not mean there is something fundamentally broken or criminal about who they were, or who they have become.

If something you experienced or did as a child is still sitting heavy, a trauma-informed therapist with experience in childhood sexual development can help you sort through what actually happened and what it means on your own terms. The Stop It Now helpline is also worth knowing about. It offers confidential support specifically for people working through concerns about childhood sexual behavior, including adults processing their own history from either side of it, and the people there are trained in exactly this kind of nuance.

Thank you for trusting us with this question.

Question 4

Should I tell my mom about her boyfriend assaulting my best friend if she didn't believe me when I told her about him assaulting me?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for being here. What you are carrying right now is a lot. You told your mom something true and painful about yourself and she did not believe you. Now you have information that directly affects someone you care about and you are trying to figure out whether it is even worth trying again. That is not a simple position to be in.

Before I continue, I want to name that what happened to you was not made less real by her disbelief. Her response was a failure on her part, not evidence that your experience did not happen or did not matter. Disbelief from a parent (especially when the person being accused is their partner) is unfortunately common and it is also a form of harm in itself. Your nervous system registered all of that, and it makes complete sense that you are hesitant now.

When you are thinking about whether to tell her about your best friend, a few things are worth sitting with. First, does your best friend know you are considering this? Their voice matters here. Disclosing someone else's assault without their knowledge, even with the best intentions, can take away their sense of control over their own story and for survivors, that sense of control is often one of the few things they can hold onto after something like this. If you have not already talked with your friend about what they want, start there.

Second, if your friend does want you to say something, or if you believe they are in active danger, consider whether your mom is actually the right person to tell. Research on how adults respond to disclosures about their intimate partners shows a painful pattern that when someone has already made a choice to disbelieve in order to protect a relationship, a second disclosure often gets absorbed into that same protective denial, or it gets turned back on the people reporting. Telling a second person the same thing does not always change the outcome, sometimes it just extends the exposure.

If your friend is in danger and needs protection, there may be other adults, school counselors, or reporting pathways that are more likely to actually result in something changing. You do not have to make your mom the gateway to safety for someone you love.

Whatever you decide, you are not responsible for what this man has done, and you are not responsible for your mom's choices. Your job is not to fix this. It is to figure out what you and your friend need. If you want help thinking through what reporting options might actually be available, I am glad to walk through that with you. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 5

A 20-year-old asked a 17-year-old to send photographs of their body. Is that actually wrong? Is it really that serious, even when there was no direct threat and it was just something that was brought up? And what would have happened if the 17-year-old hadn't sent anything?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. In short, yes, it is wrong, and yes, it is serious.

A 20-year-old asking a 17-year-old for photographs of their body is, in most places in the world, a crime regardless of how it was framed. It does not have to come with a threat to be illegal or harmful. In many jurisdictions, soliciting sexual images from someone under 18 constitutes child sexual exploitation material, even when the person doing the asking would describe it as casual, curious, or no big deal. The law draws a clear line at 18 precisely because the power gap between a legal adult and a minor is real, even when the age difference looks small on paper.

The question of whether it counts if there was no explicit threat is worth sitting with. Requests for sexual images rarely arrive with explicit pressure. What research on online grooming consistently shows is that these requests are often made to seem low-stakes, offhand, or like the most natural thing in the world. The casualness is part of how it works. When someone older frames a sexual request as no big deal, it puts the weight of refusal on the younger person, who then becomes the one who is uptight, oversensitive, making it weird. It shifts the discomfort from the person who asked to the person who was asked. Recognizing that dynamic matters.

As for what would have happened if the 17-year-old had not sent anything...nothing bad would have happened to them because of that. Not sending was the right call. If there was any pressure or implication that things would go badly, that is a form of coercion regardless of whether it came with explicit words.

None of this depends on whether the 20-year-old seemed nice, or whether there were feelings involved, or whether the rest of the relationship felt comfortable. Adults ask minors for things they should not ask for all the time while presenting as friendly and safe. The problem is not anyone's read of the situation. The problem is the ask itself.

If the 17-year-old in this situation is carrying confusion or weight around what happened, speaking with a counselor who works with young people is a solid next step. An experience does not have to be dramatic to deserve support in making sense of it.

Question 6

I grew up with physical and emotional abuse and neglect, and I've done a lot of my own research into mental health conditions. I think medication might be part of what I need. But my family completely denies that any of it happened. Where do I even start when the people who were supposed to protect me won't acknowledge what they did?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out, and for doing the quiet, determined work of looking inward, learning about your own experiences, and searching for what you might need. That is not a small thing. The fact that you are here, asking this question, is a meaningful act of standing up for yourself. The instinct that brought you here is worth following.

What you went through as a child was real. Your family denying it does not change what happened in that house or in your body. When the people who were supposed to protect you also refuse to acknowledge what happened, it can make you question your own memory and perception. That disorientation, that feeling of not being able to trust what you know to be true, is one of the most painful parts of growing up in a harmful environment. It is also part of how the harm keeps going. You do not need your family's acknowledgment to begin healing, and you do not need their permission to get care. Your account of your own life is enough.

When children experience ongoing physical abuse, emotional abuse, or neglect, the nervous system adapts. The nervous system is the part of your body that controls how you respond to stress and danger. It learns to stay on high alert, or to shut down completely, or to swing back and forth between the two. These were survival tools when you were young. Over time, they can show up as mood swings, trouble concentrating, disrupted sleep, emotional numbness, or a feeling of being disconnected from yourself or the world around you. What you are experiencing may overlap with symptoms of depression, anxiety, PTSD (which stands for post-traumatic stress disorder, a condition that can develop after living through ongoing harm), ADHD, or other conditions. Getting a mental health evaluation, which is a thorough mental health assessment done by a trained provider, is not about fitting yourself into a single box. It is about understanding your experience well enough to find the right support.

The first step toward medication is connecting with a prescribing provider. That is someone with the medical training and legal authority to prescribe medication. This is typically a psychiatrist (a medical doctor who specializes in mental health), a psychiatric nurse practitioner, or in some cases a primary care physician (a general doctor you might see for regular checkups). If you have access to a primary care physician, you can start there. You do not need to walk in with a diagnosis or a prepared list of conditions. You can simply say that you experienced trauma in childhood, that you have been struggling with your mental health, and that you would like a referral to a psychiatrist or a mental health evaluation. A therapist or counselor, while not able to prescribe medication, is also an important part of this process. Many people find that therapy and medication together are more effective than either one alone. Trauma-informed providers are especially valuable here. These are providers who understand how early harm shapes the nervous system and who will approach your care with that knowledge in mind.

If cost or insurance is a barrier, community mental health centers are a strong option. These are publicly funded clinics, meaning they receive government support, and they offer sliding scale fees, which means what you pay is based on how much money you make. Many have psychiatrists on staff. You can search for one near you through SAMHSA's treatment locator or by calling SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357, which is free, confidential, and available at any hour. If you are currently a student, your school or university may also offer mental health services, sometimes including psychiatric evaluation, at low or no cost.

When you meet with a provider, you might find it helpful to write down what you have been experiencing beforehand. Consider including specific symptoms, how long they have been present, and how they affect your daily life. This kind of preparation can make appointments feel less overwhelming and helps providers understand you more fully. You do not owe anyone your family's version of your history. If a provider dismisses your concerns or makes you feel unheard, that is a reflection of that provider, not of you, and you are allowed to seek someone else.

It is also worth knowing that your family's denial may come up for you emotionally as you engage with care. Many people find that beginning to name and treat the effects of childhood harm brings grief, anger, or confusion alongside relief. This is completely normal. Healing is not a straight line, and accessing support often opens things up before it begins to settle them. Having a therapist alongside any medication process is particularly valuable for this reason.

You can also find community here at Our Wave. Reading others' experiences and knowing you are not alone in navigating this road can matter more than people expect. You showed up for yourself when others did not. You do not need your family to believe you. You need people in your corner who will. They exist, and you deserve to find them.

Question 7

I was abused physically and mentally by both parents growing up, and my father also neglected me. A lot of my childhood memories are blocked out...I think including some of the abuse itself. The things I do remember, my mother denies ever happened, even though she still acts in some of the same ways today. How can I know these memories are real and not something I made up? And how do I start dealing with the memories I've suppressed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're carrying here is heavy and the confusion about your own memories is one of the most disorienting parts of surviving childhood abuse. Based on what you shared, it sounds like you are not imagining things.

Let's start with the memory piece. Childhood trauma, especially when it's chronic and comes from the people who were supposed to protect you, does something very specific to how the brain stores and retrieves memories. The hippocampus, the part of your brain that processes memory, is highly sensitive to stress hormones. When a child is regularly flooded with cortisol and adrenaline, the brain sometimes doesn't encode memories in the clean, narrative way we expect. Instead, they can be stored in fragments (for example, sensory impressions, body sensations, emotional states) without a clear story attached. Some memories are blocked out entirely, which researchers call dissociative amnesia, a way the mind protects itself from experiences too overwhelming to integrate. None of this means the experiences didn't happen. It means your brain did exactly what it was designed to do under extreme stress.

What your mother is doing (repeatedly denying things you remember, minimizing your reality, acting as though your experience never happened) is itself a form of harm, separate from the original abuse. The fact that she continues some of those same behaviors today is actually meaningful information. It is not unusual for a survivor to find that their memories feel more credible precisely because the pattern is still visible in the present. Your doubt is not evidence that the memories are false. It is probably evidence that you grew up being told not to trust yourself and that takes a long time to unlearn.

On the question of suppressed memories, unfortunately, there is no safe way to rush them back. Trying to force blocked memories to surface without the right support might even retraumatize you rather than heal you. What does work, and what the research consistently supports, is building enough safety and stability in your nervous system so that memories can surface on their own terms, in a context where you are resourced enough to hold them. That process happens best in trauma-focused therapy, specifically with approaches like EMDR or trauma-focused CBT, which are designed to help the nervous system process what it could not process at the time.

If therapy is not accessible to you right now, a useful first step is simply beginning to document what you do remember, in a private space, in your own words, without pressure to make it complete or coherent. Writing can externalise what the mind has been holding alone, and it often creates just enough distance that the material becomes more workable. But the goal is not to uncover everything. The goal is to live more freely in your own body and your own story.

You have been doubting your own reality for a long time because someone taught you to. What you remember is yours. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 8

I was the oldest child involved in what I now understand some people call COCSA, and I was the one who suggested it. But at some point during it, I went completely still and silent — I was scared of being punished, so I stopped reacting, stopped moving, stopped saying anything. I couldn't stop feeling what the other boy was doing though. The physical sensations were uncomfortable, even painful. Then he guided my hands to do something to him.

I remembered all of this clearly for years, with vivid physical detail. And then suddenly, it all went foggy. Now I can't tell what's real anymore. I'm scared my subconscious made it up, or that I lied to myself somehow.

Can someone who suggested something still end up being the one something wrong was done to? Is it normal for memories like this to disappear? Am I going crazy?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not going crazy, and you are not lying to yourself. What you are describing is an extremely disorienting experience and the fact that your memory is foggy does not mean the memory was never real.

Let me start with the memory piece, because it sounds like that is what is frightening you most right now. Trauma memories do not work the way regular memories do. They are stored differently in the brain, often in fragments, sensory pieces, and body sensations rather than clean narratives. Sometimes they are vivid and present for years, and then something shifts and they become hard to access, or start to feel unreal. There is actually a well-documented phenomenon called dissociative amnesia, where the mind temporarily blocks access to memories that were too painful or overwhelming to hold, and what you are describing sounds like it could be worth exploring in that direction. Only a clinician who knows your full history could say whether that fits, but it is worth knowing that this kind of memory shift is recognized, it has a name, and it is not the same thing as making something up.

The doubt spiral you are in, the "did I fabricate this, did I lie to myself" loop, is also something researchers have documented extensively in trauma survivors. People whose experiences involved any complexity or ambiguity are far more likely to doubt themselves than to invent things. Your brain doing this is not evidence of dishonesty. It is often evidence of how much weight you have been carrying.

Now to the harder question you are asking. You suggested it. And then at some point your body went still and silent, you were afraid, you stopped reacting, you endured physical discomfort and pain, and your hands were guided to do something without your active choice. What you are describing in that second part is a loss of agency. The fact that you initiated something does not mean you consented to everything that followed, or that you had any meaningful power over what happened in those moments. Fear-induced freezing, which is exactly what you are describing, is a recognized, involuntary physiological response. It is not agreement.

Research on COCSA shows it is more common than most people realize, and one of the things that makes it particularly complicated is that the lines of who did what, and what it meant, are rarely clean. Children do not have fully developed capacity to anticipate, consent, or withdraw. In COCSA specifically, it is not uncommon for the same experience to contain harm flowing in more than one direction, or for the child who initiated something to still have something done to them that they did not want. You are not the first person to sit with exactly this question.

So yes. Someone can suggest something and still have something done to them that they did not want. Both of those things can be true at the same time, in the same experience. Only you get to decide what language fits your story, but what you are describing, the freeze, the pain, the guided hands, sounds like something that was done to you, regardless of how it started.

If the memories feel blocked right now, that is okay. You do not have to force them open. A therapist trained in trauma, particularly one familiar with somatic or EMDR approaches, can help you work with your nervous system gently rather than trying to think your way through something your mind has chosen to protect for now. You do not have to have it all figured out to begin. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 9

If you had to guess a percentage, what percent of children engage in behavior that as adults would be viewed as criminal? Not necessarily abusive behavior, just brief moments of curiosity like inappropriate touching.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. Research in developmental and clinical psychology consistently finds that sexual curiosity and exploratory behavior between children is quite common. Studies looking at normative child sexual development suggest somewhere upward of 50 percent of children engage in some form of sexual play or exploration before puberty, with some self-report surveys of adults looking back on childhood coming in considerably higher. It is important to note, however, that this is an extremely understudied area in developmental psychology, partly because it is such a charged topic, which means the numbers we have come from studies with different definitions, different populations, and different methodologies. The honest answer is that we do not have one clean statistic. What we do have is consistent agreement across clinicians and researchers that this behavior is common, not aberrant.

What researchers and clinicians do agree on more clearly is how to distinguish developmentally expected exploration from behavior that is harmful. Expected childhood sexual play tends to be mutual, involves children of similar age and size, is driven by curiosity, and stops when a peer shows discomfort or when an adult intervenes. It tends not to involve coercion, secrecy, or a significant age or power difference. When those elements are absent, most clinicians would not classify brief exploratory contact as abuse, even if the behavior would look different through an adult legal lens.

The legal framing you raised is worth sitting with. Laws around sexual conduct were written for adults, and applying them rigidly to young children exploring their bodies and the bodies of peers can distort what is actually happening developmentally. A five-year-old touching a sibling out of curiosity and a fifteen-year-old coercing a younger child are not the same situation, even if the law might technically treat them similarly. Context, age, development, and intent all matter enormously to clinicians, even when the law is blunt.

None of this minimizes experiences that were harmful. Developmental normalcy and genuine harm can overlap, and the impact on the child who experienced the contact matters regardless of the intent behind it. But it does mean that many adults carry shame about things they did or experienced as children that most developmental experts would categorize as curiosity, not abuse.

If you are asking because you are carrying something about your own childhood, that makes complete sense. A therapist who specializes in childhood sexual development can help you sort through what you are holding without judgment.

Question 10

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 11

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 12

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 13

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 14

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 15

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 16

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 17

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 18

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 19

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 20

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Accepted Answer

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to stress in this way is often viewed as a survival strategy and can be useful when we have to take some action, such as getting out of a violent situation, weighing our options, or making an appointment with a professional.

It is important to note that numbness is not the only emotional shock reaction that you may exhibit. Other normal reactions include: crying uncontrollably, laughing nervously, extreme fatigue, or withdrawing. It is important to be prepared, however, that as you process your experience, the initial numbness may fade. If you would like company, surround yourself with trusted others. Or think about other strategies you can use that have helped in times of crisis in the past. No matter what you are feeling, recognize that these are normal reactions to trauma, and you do not need to face them all on your own.

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

Should I tell my mom about her boyfriend assaulting my best friend if she didn't believe me when I told her about him assaulting me?

A 20-year-old asked a 17-year-old to send photographs of their body. Is that actually wrong? Is it really that serious, even when there was no direct threat and it was just something that was brought up? And what would have happened if the 17-year-old hadn't sent anything?

If you had to guess a percentage, what percent of children engage in behavior that as adults would be viewed as criminal? Not necessarily abusive behavior, just brief moments of curiosity like inappropriate touching.

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

Should I tell my mom about her boyfriend assaulting my best friend if she didn't believe me when I told her about him assaulting me?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

A 20-year-old asked a 17-year-old to send photographs of their body. Is that actually wrong? Is it really that serious, even when there was no direct threat and it was just something that was brought up? And what would have happened if the 17-year-old hadn't sent anything?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

If you had to guess a percentage, what percent of children engage in behavior that as adults would be viewed as criminal? Not necessarily abusive behavior, just brief moments of curiosity like inappropriate touching.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

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