Find Answers to Your Questions ~ ‘me too’ Community

Question 1

When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autonomy.

It's essential to understand that consent is a crucial aspect of any sexual interaction, and children at such a young age cannot provide informed consent. If the other child's actions made you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or violated, your feelings are valid, and you are not to blame for what happened.

COCSA can have lasting effects on survivors, similar to those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated sexual abuse. It's common to feel confusion, guilt, or shame, but it's crucial to remember that you were a child who was manipulated and coerced into a situation you did not want to be in.

It's important to recognize that only you can define your experiences and how they have impacted you. Everyone processes and understands their trauma differently, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about what happened to you. Trust your own perceptions and emotions, and don't let anyone minimize or invalidate your experiences.

If you feel that you need support in processing these experiences, seeking help from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions, work through the trauma, and develop coping strategies.

Remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support systems available to help you on your healing journey. Your experiences are valid, and your feelings matter. Be gentle with yourself and know that healing is possible.

We appreciate you reaching out and are here for you.

Question 2

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 3

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

I wish I could give you a defined amount of time, but unfortumately there isn't a universal timeline for when your mind will feel calm again because healing isn't linear and everyone's journey looks different. Four months can sometimes seem like ages, but it often takes longer than we expect for our minds and hearts to quietly process what happened. You have been through a deeply distressing experience, and it's understandable that your thoughts still feel like they're spinning. The tiredness you're feeling is real and valid.

Healing from emotional and sexual harm can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. Your memories of the hurt may crash into thoughts of tender times that make you question everything. Many survivors notice waves of regret, anger, sorrow, and even occasional nostalgia, all intermingling. This does not mean that the difficult times weren't real or that your experiences weren't valid. Our minds are wired to recall the good alongside the bad, which can be confusing, yet it's also part of how we gradually come to terms with what we endured. When someone who hurt us was also sometimes caring or loving, it can create a kind of mental tug-of-war. You might find yourself questioning your decision, missing certain aspects of the relationship, feeling angry about the harm, or all of these things at once. All of those reactions are normal responses to a complicated situation.

Over time, these waves usually become less intense, and small moments of calm begin to expand. Though it may not feel like it in the moment, the busyness in your mind can subside. Healing tends to come in steps rather than in giant leaps, and often it's only in looking back that we realize our minds and hearts have become notably quieter. Processing memories of harm, especially when they're tangled up with moments of care or connection, takes enormous emotional energy, and it's genuinely exhausting work.

What often helps people move toward feeling calmer is having support during this process. The feeling of being alone that you mentioned can make everything feel heavier. If you can, consider talking to a support system you trust--someone who can hear you without dismissing your feelings. Reaching out to professionals or organizations that specialize in trauma support may also help you find edges of calm. These conversations can be a chance to unravel the thoughts that haunt you and learn gentle tools for coping. The loneliness you feel now can lessen when you allow yourself to share what you're going through, at your own pace and with people who truly understand. You don't have to process all of these memories and feelings by yourself.

It's not easy to handle so many memories. You deserve compassion from yourself just as much as from others. Until then, be kind to yourself as best you can, and remember you are not alone. There are people who care and who stand ready to remind you that you deserve peace, gentleness, and a future free from the chaos of these memories. Thank you for trusting us with this. We are here for you along your journey towards healing.

Question 4

I'm struggling with uncertainty about traumatic events from my childhood. While I'm certain something inappropriate occurred, I worry I might be unintentionally exaggerating the details in my mind. Since it involved another child, I sometimes question if it was harmful behavior or more typical childhood interactions. How can I cope with these doubts and conflicting memories?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your concerns about these difficult childhood experiences. Your feelings and doubts are valid. Memory, especially of distressing events, can be complex and sometimes unclear. It's not uncommon for individuals who have had potentially traumatic childhood experiences to question their recollections or worry about the accuracy of their memories. This uncertainty doesn't invalidate your experiences or feelings.

When it comes to processing difficult past events, it's crucial to understand that everyone's journey is unique. Some individuals find comfort and clarity in labeling their experiences, as it can help them make sense of what happened and validate their feelings. Others may prefer not to use specific labels, finding that approach more conducive to their healing process. Both approaches are entirely valid, and what matters most is what feels right and helpful for you personally.

There are several ways to cope with these doubts and conflicting memories. Seeking professional support from a therapist experienced in childhood issues can be incredibly helpful. They can provide a safe environment for you to process your experiences and emotions, as well as teach techniques for managing anxiety and intrusive thoughts related to your memories. Practicing self-compassion is also crucial - be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotions and remember that your feelings are valid, regardless of the specific details you recall or how you choose to categorize your experiences.

While the exact details of past events may be unclear, your current emotions and need for healing are real and deserving of attention. Focus on your present feelings and needs rather than trying to perfectly reconstruct the past. Journaling about your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and potentially bring clarity over time. When doubts become overwhelming, using grounding techniques can help bring you back to the present moment.

Remember, healing is not dependent on having a perfect recollection of events or fitting your experiences into a specific category. What matters most is acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and focusing on your well-being in the present. Your journey towards understanding and processing your past is valid and important, regardless of the specifics of your memories or how you choose to describe them. If these thoughts continue to cause significant distress, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for personalized support. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 5

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 6

Is it appropriate for a COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) survivor to use the CSA (child sexual abuse) survivor label, or should I specifically use the COCSA label? I often feel guilty using the CSA survivor label because others have told me I shouldn't use it since my experiences "weren't as bad" or are different from adult-perpetrated abuse. While I sometimes dismiss my own experiences, COCSA is a form of CSA that has impacted my life similarly to other survivors. I'm confused about whether using the CSA label would be inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with us. Your feelings of confusion about terminology are completely understandable and reflect a common struggle many survivors face when trying to name their experiences. What you experienced as a child was sexual abuse, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is indeed a recognized form of child sexual abuse, not a separate or lesser category. The "CSA" in COCSA literally stands for child sexual abuse, affirming that your experiences fall under this broader umbrella.

The voices telling you that your experiences "weren't as bad" or that you shouldn't use certain labels are reflecting harmful misconceptions about sexual abuse. There is no hierarchy of trauma that determines whose experiences are "bad enough" to warrant support, healing, or appropriate terminology. Research consistently shows that COCSA can have profound and lasting impacts on survivors, including effects on relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, and mental health that mirror those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated abuse.

Labels can be incredibly helpful for some survivors as they provide validation, help connect with others who share similar experiences, and offer a framework for understanding what happened. For others, labels may feel limiting or unnecessary. You are the only person who has the right to decide how to describe your own experiences. Your right to identify with the CSA survivor community is not something that can be taken away by others' opinions about what qualifies as "real" abuse. Many COCSA survivors find connection and healing within broader CSA survivor spaces, while others prefer more specific communities or choose not to use labels at all. All of these choices are valid.

You are not appropriating anything by using the CSA label – you are accurately describing your lived experience. The tendency to minimize your own experiences is a common trauma response, but it doesn't reflect the reality of what you endured or your legitimate place in survivor communities. Trust your own understanding of what happened to you and what language, if any, serves your healing best. Thank you or reaching out to us.

Question 7

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

When you were 11 years old, you were still very much a child, learning about yourself and the world around you. At that age, children often explore and test boundaries as part of their development, sometimes without fully understanding the appropriateness of their actions. Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a wide spectrum, and what you're describing falls into what many experts consider exploratory behavior that can occur during normal childhood development. At age 11, children are naturally curious about bodies and physical sensations, but they lack the cognitive development to fully understand concepts like consent, power dynamics, or the potential impact of their actions.

The age difference you mention does create a power imbalance that makes this behavior concerning, but it's important to understand that as an 11-year-old, you likely didn't have the developmental capacity to fully grasp these dynamics. Children often act on curiosity and physical impulses without the ability to predict or understand consequences the way adults do. Your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding complex social and emotional consequences. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides important context for understanding why it happened.

The fact that you now realize the behavior wasn't appropriate and that you feel remorse shows your growth and awareness. It's a sign of your moral development and empathy. Feeling guilty indicates that you care deeply about others and understand the importance of respecting boundaries. Many adults carry guilt about childhood behaviors that they later recognize as inappropriate or harmful. This guilt, while painful, often reflects growth and the development of a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, boundaries, and consent. The fact that you stopped this behavior and feel remorse suggests that your moral reasoning developed normally as you matured.

It's important to be compassionate with yourself. While you can't change the past, you can acknowledge your feelings and use this awareness to inform how you engage with others now. If these feelings of guilt continue to weigh heavily on you or if this experience continues to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior can be incredibly helpful. They can provide personalized support to help you process these feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human, and recognizing them is a crucial step toward personal growth. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these difficult emotions, including compassion for the child you were who was still learning about the world. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

Question 8

I'm struggling to process an uncomfortable experience at a party. I initiated kissing with someone, but they proceeded to touch me inappropriately without my consent. Although I physically indicated I didn't want this by pushing their hand away multiple times, I continued kissing them. I'm confused about my reaction and unsure how to interpret or handle the situation. How can I process this experience, and what could I have done differently?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. First and foremost, what happened to you was not your fault. The other person's actions were inappropriate and violated your boundaries. Consent for one activity (kissing) does not imply consent for other sexual acts. You clearly communicated your discomfort by pushing their hand away repeatedly, which should have been respected.

It's common to feel confused about your reactions in situations like this. Our bodies and minds can respond in complex ways to stressful or uncomfortable experiences. Continuing to kiss while feeling uncomfortable with other actions doesn't mean you consented to or wanted the unwanted touching. There could be many reasons for this reaction, including shock, fear, or simply not knowing how to handle the situation in the moment.

As you process this experience, remember that your feelings, whatever they may be, are valid. There's no "right" way to feel or react in these situations. It might be helpful to talk to a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma and sexual consent issues. They can provide professional support as you work through your feelings and labeling what occured to you. Remember that in the future, you have the right to stop any sexual activity at any time, even if you initiated it or previously consented.

Practice self-compassion. Many people freeze or have difficulty reacting in overwhelming situations. This doesn't make what happened your fault. If you feel comfortable, consider discussing consent and boundaries with trusted friends or joining advocacy groups that promote awareness about these issues. Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take the time you need. If you're struggling, don't hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a helpline for additional support. Thanks for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 9

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 10

I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We appreciate you reaching out and want to acknowledge the progress you've already made—this is a huge accomplishment. Your question addresses issues that many survivors face but often struggle to share with professionals, so we're grateful for your vulnerability and trust in us.

Firstly, it's crucial to understand that trauma responses, including vaginismus, can manifest in complex ways that aren't always directly linked to the specific type of abuse experienced. Vaginismus is a condition characterized by involuntary muscle spasms in the pelvic floor that can make vaginal penetration difficult or impossible. While it's often associated with sexual trauma involving vaginal penetration, your experience demonstrates that this isn't always the case.

The mind-body connection in trauma responses is intricate. Your body may be responding protectively to intimate situations in general, not just to the exact form of abuse you experienced. This protective response can extend to various aspects of physical and emotional intimacy, which explains why you might be experiencing vaginismus despite your trauma not involving vaginal penetration.

Managing vaginismus often requires a multifaceted approach, and it sounds like you have already tried some of these strategies. While everyone's body is different, here's a menu of options you can consider:

1. Professional help: If you haven't already, consider working with a trauma-informed pelvic floor physical therapist and a sex therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. They can provide tailored treatments and coping strategies that address both the physical and emotional aspects of vaginismus.

2. Open communication: Continue to have open, honest conversations with your partner about your experiences, feelings, and needs. This can help maintain intimacy and understanding in your relationship, especially as you navigate the challenges of family planning.

3. Explore non-penetrative intimacy: There are many ways to be intimate and express love that don't involve penetration. This can help maintain your connection while working on healing.

4. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques: These can help reduce anxiety and tension associated with intimacy. Your therapist can guide you through specific exercises tailored to your needs.

5. Paced approach: While you mentioned that pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help so far, it's worth noting that these techniques often require time and consistent practice to show results. Work with your healthcare providers to establish a paced approach that feels comfortable for you.

6. Alternative family planning options: Given your desire for children, it may be helpful to discuss options like IVF or surrogacy with your partner and healthcare providers. These alternatives can allow you to build your family while continuing to work on your healing journey.

Additionally, there are some home-based methods to attempt conception without vaginal penetration, though their effectiveness can vary. This includes Intravaginal insemination (IVI) using a sterile syringe or cervical cap and at-home insemination kits. These methods may be less invasive but still require careful timing with ovulation. Consult a healthcare provider before attempting any of these options to ensure safety and improve chances of success. They can provide guidance on proper techniques, timing, and any potential risks or considerations specific to your situation.

For others reading this who may be experiencing similar issues, it's important to remember that vaginismus and other intimacy challenges following sexual trauma are not uncommon. If you're struggling with these issues, we encourage you to seek professional help from trauma-informed specialists. Be patient with yourself; healing is not linear. Communicate openly with your partner(s) about your needs and boundaries, and remember that your experiences and feelings are valid.

While the road to recovery can be challenging, many survivors have found ways to manage vaginismus. With the right support and resources, healing is possible. Thank you for reaching out to us, and while we could not provide a concrete solution, we hope this gives you more tools to try as you navigate this. You are not alone.

Question 11

If I kissed other children without consent when I was a child because I didn't know it was wrong and thought it was normal, did I commit sexual assault? I was exposed to sexual content when young and thought kissing was something people just did. I didn't pressure anyone but didn't ask for consent either. I would just peck other children on the mouth for no reason. I'm unsure if this counts as sexual assault or childhood experimentation. I hate myself for this and feel disgusted by my actions.

Accepted Answer

I can hear how much pain and self-disgust you're carrying about these childhood memories, and I want you to know that your distress is understandable while also being much harsher on yourself than the situation warrants. What you're describing falls clearly within the realm of normal childhood development and experimentation, not sexual assault.

Sexual assault involves intentional harm, power dynamics, coercion, or actions taken with knowledge that they're wrong or harmful. What you're describing is a young child who was exposed to adult content beyond your developmental understanding, trying to make sense of what you saw by mimicking behaviors you thought were normal. This is actually a very common response when children are exposed to sexual content they're not developmentally ready to process. They often try to recreate what they've seen because they don't yet understand the context or boundaries around those behaviors.

The key factors that distinguish your experience from sexual assault include your age and developmental stage, your lack of intent to harm, your genuine belief that this was normal behavior, and the absence of power dynamics or coercion. Young children naturally explore social behaviors through imitation, and when they're exposed to content beyond their understanding, they may incorporate those behaviors into their play or social interactions without any awareness of inappropriate boundaries.

Your early exposure to sexual content was not your fault, and the way you processed and responded to that exposure as a child was a normal developmental response to abnormal circumstances. Children who are exposed to sexual content often exhibit sexualized behaviors because they're trying to understand and integrate what they've witnessed. This doesn't make them perpetrators. It makes them children who needed appropriate guidance and protection that they didn't receive at the time.

The intense shame and self-hatred you're experiencing is actually causing you more harm than the original childhood behaviors ever did. This level of self-condemnation is disproportionate to actions that were developmentally normal responses to inappropriate exposure. Many adults look back on childhood behaviors with some embarrassment or concern, but the extreme distress you're feeling suggests that these intrusive thoughts may have taken on a life of their own.

It's important to understand that sexual assault requires intent, knowledge of wrongdoing, or exploitation of power differences, none of which were present in your childhood situation. You were a child trying to navigate social interactions with incomplete and inappropriate information about what was normal. The fact that you now understand boundaries and consent, and feel genuine concern about these past actions, actually demonstrates your healthy moral development.

Consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood development and can help you process both the original exposure to sexual content and the current shame you're carrying. They can help you understand child development, work through the impacts of early sexual exposure, and develop healthier ways to view your childhood self. You deserve compassion and understanding, especially from yourself, rather than the harsh self-judgment you're currently experiencing. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 12

How does sexual abuse affect the body and mind on both a biological and psychological level, and why are humans particularly vulnerable to its impacts compared to other animals? Is there an evolutionary explanation for this? I'm particularly interested in how sexual abuse and cases of Child-on-child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) affect the body and mind, as I'm trying to understand my own experiences and how different types of abuse impact people differently.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this question. I hope we can help you understand these complex processes in a way that supports your healing journey.

Our human capacity for deep emotional connection and meaning-making is both a gift and a source of vulnerability when it comes to trauma. Unlike other animals, we create rich social bonds and find profound meaning in our experiences. While these qualities usually enrich our lives immensely, they can also make us especially sensitive to experiences that violate our trust or sense of safety.

When we experience trauma, particularly during childhood, our bodies respond in ways that are entirely normal and protective, even though they might feel confusing or overwhelming. Think of it like your body's alarm system - it detects a threat and responds by releasing stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. While this response helps us survive in the moment, repeated activation can lead to lasting changes in how our bodies respond to stress. Understanding this can help explain why you might find yourself feeling anxious or on alert even in safe situations - your body learned to be extra careful to protect you.

During childhood, our brains are especially adaptable, constantly learning from our experiences to help us navigate the world. When trauma occurs during these formative years, it can shape how our neural pathways develop. This is particularly relevant for understanding the impact of childhood sexual abuse, including COCSA. If you've ever wondered why certain memories, feelings, or relationship patterns feel so deeply ingrained, this biological understanding might help explain why - and more importantly, know that with support and understanding, our brains can also learn new patterns of response.

The emotional impact of trauma goes beyond these physical changes because humans naturally seek to make sense of our experiences. This meaning-making process can become especially complicated with sexual trauma, particularly when it occurs in childhood or involves someone we know. If you've struggled with complex feelings about your experiences, please know this is a natural response to an unnatural situation - your mind is trying to process something that shouldn't have happened to you.

In COCSA situations, understanding these mechanisms can be particularly helpful because the experience often comes with unique layers of confusion and uncertainty. Without clear categories of "perpetrator" and "victim," many survivors struggle to make sense of their experiences or validate their own feelings. Please know that the impact of such experiences is real and valid, regardless of the circumstances or the age of the person who caused harm.

Here's where understanding these biological and psychological mechanisms can be particularly healing-- it helps us recognize that our responses (whether they're emotional overwhelm, numbness, relationship difficulties, or other challenges) aren't signs of weakness or failure. They're our bodies' and minds' natural attempts to protect us and cope with experiences we shouldn't have had to face.

This understanding can help transform self-judgment into self-compassion. When you understand that your brain was doing its best to protect you, it becomes easier to be gentle with yourself about responses that might otherwise feel frustrating or confusing. For example, if you sometimes feel overwhelmed by emotions or find yourself disconnecting in certain situations, knowing this is your nervous system's learned protection response can help you approach these moments with more patience and understanding.

Looking forward, this knowledge can also inform your healing journey. Just as our brains adapt to protect us during trauma, they can also adapt to support healing when given the right conditions and support. This might involve working with trauma-informed therapists who understand these mechanisms, engaging in practices that help regulate your nervous system, or finding ways to create new, positive experiences that help your brain and body learn that safety is possible.

Remember, your path to healing is uniquely yours, and understanding these mechanisms is just one part of the journey. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve support in processing them in whatever way feels right for you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 13

Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am sorry you feel like you are spiraling. What you're describing - unwanted sexual touching without consent - could certainly be considered sexual assault, but it's entirely up to you how you want to think about and label your experience. There's no requirement to use any particular term, and only you can decide what words feel right for you in understanding what happened. But I want to be very clear: you are not making a mountain out of nothing.

It's very common for people who've experienced unwanted sexual contact to minimize their experiences, especially when the touching didn't match what society often portrays as "serious enough." This self-doubt and minimization is actually a very normal response, but you're right in recognizing that these thought patterns are causing you additional distress. Your body and mind are telling you this event was significant, and it's important to listen to and honor those feelings rather than trying to dismiss them.

The fact that this is surfacing now, ten years later, is also completely normal. Our minds often process difficult experiences when we feel safe enough to do so, or when something in our current life triggers those memories. There's no timeline for processing these experiences, and you're not "overreacting" by having feelings about it now.

When these thought spirals occur, try to respond to yourself with the same compassion you would show a friend in a similar situation. Would you tell them they were overreacting? Would you measure the impact of unwanted touching by which body part was touched? You deserve that same gentleness and validation.

Consider working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. They can help you develop tools to manage these thought spirals and process your experience in a safe, supported way. However you choose to understand or label what happened, your feelings are valid, your response is normal, and you deserve support in healing from this experience. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 14

Would touching a sleeping 9-year-old's breast and genitals be considered COCSA or criminal behavior? Does the age of the older child (14-15 versus 11-12) make a difference in how this would be viewed? I saw another post where brief touching out of curiosity by an 11-12 year old wasn't considered COCSA. What makes situations different. Is it the sleeping aspect, the age difference, or a combination of factors?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out with this thoughtful question. The scenario you're describing (where a 14 or 15 year old touched a sleeping 9 year old's breast and genitals) would generally be considered concerning harmful sexual behavior and could fall under the category of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). There are several factors that make this situation different from the brief curiosity-driven touch you referenced. The combination of the significant age gap (five to six years), the developmental stage of the older child, the intimate nature of the areas touched (both breast and genitals), and critically, the fact that the younger child was asleep creates a very different context.

When a child is asleep, they cannot consent, respond, set boundaries, or indicate discomfort. This removes the younger child's ability to participate in what's happening to their body in any way. The sleeping aspect is significant because it suggests intentionality and awareness on the part of the older child. They knew the younger child was unconscious and unable to respond. At 14 or 15, youth are typically well past the age of normative sexual curiosity exploration and have developed an understanding of privacy, consent, and boundaries. They're also in a very different developmental stage than an 11 or 12 year old.

In contrast, brief touching that immediately stops when a boundary is indicated, especially by a younger child still navigating early puberty, may reflect developmentally normal (though still inappropriate) curiosity rather than abusive behavior. The key differences include the responsiveness to boundaries, the age and developmental gap, whether the touch was sustained or exploratory, and whether the younger child had agency in the moment. Criminal definitions vary significantly by jurisdiction, but many places do have laws addressing sexual contact with minors, even when perpetrated by other minors, particularly when there are substantial age differences and when the behavior involves deliberate touching of intimate areas while the victim is unable to consent.

Question 15

When I was around 6-7, my older sister (11-12) would initiate 'tongue kissing' with me. While I never verbally objected, I felt uncomfortable and guilty afterward. I had forgotten about this until recently (I'm now 22), but these memories keep surfacing. I'm struggling with physical intimacy in my relationships and wonder if there's a connection. I have several questions. Am I overreacting to these memories?
Could my mind be fabricating these experiences?
Is it possible there were other incidents I can't remember? Could this be related to my difficulty with physical intimacy in relationships? I also suspect my sister may have been sexually abused herself, though I'm not certain.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your memories and feelings are completely valid, and you are not overreacting. What you're describing was inappropriate sexual contact, though it's important to recognize that your sister was a child herself. Memory gaps and delayed recognition of childhood trauma are common protective responses of our brains. Children sometimes engage in inappropriate behavior without fully understanding the impact of their actions, often due to natural curiosity or, sometimes, their own experiences of abuse.

Many survivors develop difficulties with physical intimacy later in life, which can manifest as discomfort with touch, emotional disconnection during intimate moments, or anxiety about sexual activities. These are normal responses to early boundary violations. The fact that these memories are surfacing now, along with questions about possible gaps in your memory, is also very common with childhood trauma. Our minds often protect us by tucking away difficult experiences until we're better equipped to process them.

Building healthy intimacy takes time and patience. This might involve establishing clear boundaries with partners, practicing "time-outs" during physical intimacy when needed, and starting with simple forms of touch like hand-holding before progressing at your own pace.

Your sister's young age adds a complex layer to process. While her age provides context and may help explain her actions, it doesn't invalidate your feelings or minimize the impact these experiences have had on you. Whether or not she understood the implications of her behavior at the time, your feelings of discomfort and their lasting effects are completely valid.

A trauma-informed therapist can help you process these memories safely, understand their impact on your relationships, and develop healthy intimacy skills at your own pace. They can help you navigate the complicated feelings that arise when the person who caused harm was also a child themselves, as well as address any concerns about memory gaps or recovered memories. We appreciate you reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 16

I'm struggling with conflicting feelings about a sexual encounter that occurred while intoxicated. My friend and I were both drunk and engaged in sexual activity. While she remembers more details and feels comfortable with what happened, I have partial memory loss from that night and am experiencing intense guilt and shame. She says I initiated the encounter, but I can't clearly remember how things progressed. I'm having difficulty processing these feelings, especially given the role alcohol played in affecting consent and memory. How can I understand and work through these complex emotions?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out about this complex situation. The confusion, guilt, and shame you're experiencing are understandable reactions to an encounter that involved alcohol, memory gaps, and questions about consent. These feelings can become even more complicated when processing same-sex encounters, especially if this was a new experience or if you're still exploring your identity and orientation.

When we experience partial memory loss from alcohol, it can be particularly distressing to learn about our actions during those gaps. Not being able to fully remember what happened or how things progressed can leave us feeling vulnerable and uncertain about our own role in events. This uncertainty can be amplified when the encounter challenges or questions our understanding of our own sexuality or relationships with close friends.

Society often fails to provide clear frameworks for understanding intimate encounters between women, which can add additional layers of confusion and shame. Women's same-sex experiences are frequently either hypersexualized or dismissed entirely, making it harder to process these experiences within broader cultural contexts. This societal ambiguity, combined with the complex dynamics of close female friendships, can make it especially challenging to understand and set boundaries.

Your feelings of guilt and shame, even though your friend feels differently about the encounter, are valid emotional responses. The disconnect between your friend's memory and comfort level with what happened versus your own feelings of distress can create additional confusion and emotional turmoil. This might be further complicated by concerns about how this encounter affects your friendship, your identity, or your understanding of your own sexuality.

It's important to understand that alcohol significantly impacts our ability to make decisions, remember events clearly, and give or recognize meaningful consent. When both people are intoxicated, the lines of consent and responsibility become even more complex. The fact that you're questioning and reflecting on this shows a thoughtful awareness about the importance of clear consent in intimate encounters.

You might consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist or LGBTQ+-affirming counselor who understands the nuances of same-sex experiences and issues of consent. They can help you process these feelings within the context of your identity and relationships, while working through the complex emotions surrounding consent, alcohol, and intimate encounters. This could help you understand your feelings better and develop healthy ways to move forward.

If you're comfortable, you might also have a sober conversation with your friend about how this has affected you. Sometimes understanding more about what happened, while acknowledging that alcohol affected both your judgment and ability to consent, can help process the experience. However, only do this if you feel it would be helpful for your emotional well-being and the preservation of your friendship.

Remember to be gentle with yourself as you process this experience. Questioning our actions and feeling remorse shows moral awareness, but excessive self-blame isn't helpful for healing and growth. Your feelings about this encounter don't have to define your identity or your relationship with your friend. Thank you for trusting us with this question. You are not alone.

Question 17

As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility.

It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers during your early adolescence--generally fall within the realm of normal childhood sexual exploration, rather than abuse.

It's also significant that your therapist, who has a comprehensive understanding of your history, has assessed that this wasn't abuse. Their professional opinion, combined with the lack of force, coercion, or ill intent on your part, and the fact that your stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged, all point towards this being a case of age-appropriate exploration rather than COCSA.

Your OCD may be causing you to hyperfocus on this past event, magnifying your feelings of guilt and worry. While these feelings are understandable, it's important to try to view this situation in the context of normal childhood development. Your lack of understanding about arousal or orgasms at the time further suggests that your actions were not sexually motivated in an adult sense.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to continue working with your therapist on strategies to manage these intrusive thoughts and feelings. Remember, your concern about this shows your strong moral compass and your commitment to being a caring, responsible person and mother. It's okay to acknowledge that while you're worried about your past actions, the context and circumstances suggest that you did not cause harm or engage in abusive behavior.

Healing from anxiety and intrusive thoughts about past experiences is a journey. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these feelings. Your dedication to understanding and doing the right thing is clear, and that in itself is a positive attribute. Thank you for trusting us with this. Be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.

Question 18

I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us enough to consider sharing your story. It must have been difficult to have others ask you to stop sharing in the past - that experience alone can feel like another layer of silencing on top of what you've already endured. Living through multiple experiences of abuse is already overwhelming; being unable to fully share your truth adds another burden you shouldn't have to carry.

Yes, this is absolutely an appropriate place to share your full story. This platform was created specifically to provide a safe space for survivors to share their experiences without censorship or judgment, no matter how complex or lengthy they may be. Many survivors find that being able to tell their complete story, in their own words and at their own pace, can be an important part of their healing journey. The anonymous nature of this platform allows you to share freely while maintaining your privacy and safety.

As you prepare to share, I want to offer some gentle considerations to help you feel supported in the process. Consider taking breaks while writing if memories feel overwhelming, and have some grounding tools ready if needed. Remember that you're in control of your narrative - you can share as much or as little detail as feels right for you, and you can use content warnings to help other readers prepare themselves. There's no rush, and you can take all the time you need.

Many survivors have found that seeing others' complete stories helped them feel less alone in their own experiences. Your story, in its entirety, could be that light for someone else. Sharing anonymously is just as valid and courageous as telling someone face to face - sometimes even more so, as it allows others to find comfort in your words when they need it most.

We're here to support you in this process. Thank you so much for trusting us with your experiences. You are not alone.

Question 19

I'm unsure if I experienced COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) when I was younger. I'm 25 now but only remembered these experiences a few years ago. When I was between 8-11, I had a neighbor friend who was a year younger but physically much taller than me. When I visited his house, he would repeatedly ask to see and touch my private parts. I always felt reluctant and uncomfortable, but felt intimidated by his size. He would pressure me until I gave in. He only ever used his hands, and I don't think there was penetration. Is this considered COCSA even though he was younger than me? The fact that it took me over a decade to remember these experiences and that I've never told anyone makes it feel unreal.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your experience. What you described could certainly align with what many professionals would consider child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). COCSA refers to sexual activities between children that are not age-appropriate, are not mutual, or involve coercion, manipulation, or a significant power imbalance. While the other child was younger chronologically, factors like his physical size (being nearly a foot taller), the intimidation you felt, and the repeated pressure created a power dynamic that made true consent impossible.

Your experience contains several important elements common in COCSA situations: the repeated nature of the behavior, your clear reluctance and saying no, the feeling of being intimidated, and the pressure applied until you gave in. You mentioned trying to delay or avoid situations to prevent this from happening, which clearly indicates your boundaries were being crossed. Your feelings of discomfort and reluctance were valid indicators that something wasn't right.

The delayed recall of these experiences is quite common with childhood trauma. Our brains have protective mechanisms that sometimes shield us from overwhelming experiences until we're better equipped to process them. The fact that it took over a decade for you to remember suggests your mind was protecting you until you were ready to process these memories. This delayed remembering doesn't make your experience any less real or valid - in fact, it's a recognized trauma response.

The feeling that these experiences "don't feel real" is also normal, especially since you've never spoken about it before. This sensation of unreality is known as dissociation or emotional numbing, which helps protect us from overwhelming feelings. Many survivors describe similar feelings, particularly when they begin to process experiences they haven't previously discussed.

Your hesitation to name this experience is completely understandable. Labeling experiences can be complex, but recognizing that something unwanted and harmful happened to you is an important step in healing. Whatever terminology feels right to you is valid, and you don't need to rush to classify your experience if you're not ready.

Healing from these kinds of childhood sexual experiences often begins with acknowledging what happened and understanding that you weren't responsible. Children cannot consent to sexual activity, and the manipulation or intimidation you felt further emphasizes that these interactions weren't your choice.

Remember that you are not alone, and there are people who can support you as you navigate these feelings. Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional counselor who can provide a safe space for you to explore these memories and emotions when you feel ready. Healing is a personal journey, and it's okay to take the time you need to understand and process what happened.

Your feelings matter, and you deserve compassion and understanding as you work through this. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 20

When I was 6, a boy my age pressured me into oral by saying things like "it's what you'd do if you loved me" and "I'll be your friend if you do." I said no at first, but I was lonely and wanted a friend. Over time I started participating without him needing to pressure me. I'm confused about how to categorize this experience. It makes me feel ill thinking about it. Could you help me understand what this might be classified as? Is this COCSA or something else?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for having the courage to share this difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and distressed about it. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to be gentle with yourself as you process this.

The situation you described has many elements that align with COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse). Even though the other child was your age, their actions were coercive and inappropriate. The fact that you initially said no and didn't fully understand what was happening indicates that you did not give informed consent. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activities, even with other children.

However, it's crucial to recognize that only you can truly define your experience. While professionals and others can provide information and context, ultimately, how you categorize and understand what happened to you is deeply personal. Your perspective on your experiences may also change over time as you process and reflect on them. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to feel about or label your experiences.

It's common for survivors of childhood sexual experiences to feel conflicted, especially if they eventually participated without overt pressure. However, this doesn't negate the abusive nature of the initial encounters or the overall situation. The power dynamics and manipulation involved created an unhealthy environment, regardless of how your responses may have evolved over time.

Your feelings of illness when thinking about these events are a normal reaction to a potentially traumatic experience. It's important to recognize that your participation, even when it seemed voluntary, seems to be the result of earlier coercion and manipulation. You were doing what you thought you needed to do to maintain a friendship and meet your emotional needs as a child.

I encourage you to be kind to yourself and consider speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood trauma. They can provide you with the support and tools to process these experiences and work through your feelings, while respecting your own interpretation of events. Remember, you deserve healing and compassion, especially from yourself. Thank you for reaching out to us.

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In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

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