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I have had several experiences in my life that at the time I didn't fully access the severity of. As I got older, I started to recognise my own boundaries better and started to protect myself. I always blamed myself for earlier experiences, believing I got myself into a mess and just had to endure it. Reflecting back, I realise that I was raped and am going through various motions of grief and trauma. Part of me thinks I got this far without addressing it, maybe I can keep progressing and leave it behind. Another part of me thinks, maybe a lot of the issues I have had over the years are related to these experiences. I don't really know. I have brought it up to therapists, but they skim over it and go back to the formula they have preset in their notes. Sadly I haven't got the money for a good therapist. I haven't really told my story much or at all in some cases, but I have wanted to in a safe space and anonymously. So herr I go. I will tell two of my stories. There are more, sadly, but this is all I can manage for now. My first experience I was 14. I was groomed by a man in his mid twenties. Before I even realised what was happening, he was taking me back to his apartment to have sex. I didn't have time to think about whether or not I wanted to be there or if I could say no. Suddenly I was there and I hated it. It was painful and I felt horrible. It happened again another time. I was also coerced into oral sex. All of these events happened so fast, I always thought maybe I had missed something or didn't realise that I had agreed to move in this direction. He told me he loved me and maybe he did. All I know is that when I moved away and got some space from the situation, I felt really bad about the whole thing. I had no one to talk to about it. I couldn't tell my parents for fear of judgment, failure or being blamed for bad decisions (being in the wrong place etc). My parents were strict, so I did a lot of sneaking around, which is probably what lead to me being vulnerable. I was in my late 30s when I finally accepted that it was wrong, I was groomed and he stole so much from me. A second experience had a similar structure. I was suddenly in a moment I didn't feel I could escape, wondered how I got myself there and just waited for it to be over. I had consented to having sex with a guy at uni. I didn't know him well, but we had a few interactions and he had flirted a lot with me from the off. Kept telling me how beautiful I was etc. I was charmed and we had sex. During the sex, he asked for anal and I said no. Well, he did it anyway. I said no and stop, but then resolved to waiting for it to be over, thinking I must have let him do it if it was happening. He continued to have sex with me throughout the night, despite me trying many times to untangle and sleep. That also felt like torture. I attempted to go for a shower and he followed me. I didn't understand why it was going on so long and prayed for him to be done. I didn't advocate for myself enough or really understand what was happening. After I had such bad injuries I couldn't walk, sit or move properly for a couple of weeks. I ended up in hospital with a kidney infection, a direct result of the encounter. I was in huge denial about the whole thing. Flatmates heard me screaming and asked me about it the next day. I laughed it off and said just a bit of rough anal. Another friend questioned my physical injuries and I did the same. He engages in regular anal sex with men and after asking a few questions, said it sounded like I had been raped. I laughed it off. He was concerned, but not close enough to pursue me more on the matter. It wasn't until I experienced flash backs 15 years later, I fully accepted what had happened. The flash backs were triggered by a consent workshop I had attended at a gathering, which opened my eyes. I have had more encounters, but these two are the ones that haunt me the most. I am a mother now and happily married. I am a strong woman and generally don't take shit from anyone. I don't think I jad the skills to really protect myself as a younger woman. I had always been educated to believe rape was by strangers in a dark alley. I hadn't prepared for assaults from friends. Nearly all my assaults have been by friends or acquaintances. I am so thankful for the me too movement. It is paving the way for better education and protection.

DECADES When I was 22 years old, I was on a college campus with my finance and decided to go out to the car at 11 pm to get the left over cake we had brought from dinner. I man walked near me and I said hi, and proceeded to get the cake. The man came up behind me and flipped me to the ground trying to rape me. I screamed, time slowed down and I remember hearing my Mom say that my car keys are a weapon so I started jabbing him with them. I struggled free, ran to a building, falling on my way. A driver arrived who heard my screams from blocks away and the police were called. The police even thought they got him and showed me several photos of similar looking men, but I couldn’t make a positive id, so he was set free. After this sexual assault, I bought a gun, moved in with my fiancé, took self-defense classes, read books, saw a psychologist who diagnosed me with PTSD due to overwhelming anxiety that paralyzed me. The world was no longer safe. It resulted in triggers, and brought back my first sexual assault as a teenager in a crowded bus in another country of an older man pressing his erection against me as I keep moving away from him toward the front of the bus, until I finally found another teenage who I could sit on her lap to get this stranger to stop. It has been 64 years since I was attacked in that parking lot. I have been happily married for 64 years and have a positive self image. BUT, I still can’t wear skirts. I still can’t go in parking lots alone at night and am uneasy going anywhere at night. I can’t watch a movie or play that has sexual assault or the anxiety becomes overwhelming. I still own the same gun.

Hello, It's been awhile. In November 2019 I worked in a political office and there was harassment daily. Before I knew it I was attacked and forced to do things I was not willing to do. I never did seek justice ⚖️. I didn't want to be in harms way. After that I went through counseling therapy and I thought I would never work again. 6 months later I needed employment and it happened again. That was posted on the internet. It work in a corporation and I work in hospitality and I walk in shame daily. Not knowing who has seen me. I've been called a Crack head etc. by my coworkers. I've been called numerous name calling daily. I continue to walk with my head up and keep confidence. Sometimes people don't understand what it's like. I've never used drugs nor drink. I was vulnerable and extremely in fear of power. And so alone no support system because I feel other's would never understand. My triggers are hit daily and I just want love empathy support without shame or judgment.

I don't know how in detail I can go here because I do not want to pursue legal action for anything. I truly do not know how bad everything was and how much is gaps in my memory, I only know that he hurt my dog in front of me and yelled at me and cursed at me and called me things at such a young age that I couldn't understand. I was a defiant child and I learned to be sexually exploratory at a very young age due to not understanding what was happening. I just knew I was forced to hug others without clothes on and that I was pinned down upon occasion for money incentives when I was really young and that I was touched by someone for something necessary and medial but that the wrong person did it to me and got carried away and made it about more than the medicine. I learned to be okay with it in my relationships as well and my first one was very weird, I was forced to act ways I did not want to and forced to go on dates or else the person would threaten to hurt themselves. I am in a healthy relationship now though. I don't really know how to describe what has happened to me because I don't think I have been raped per se but I feel like I have been taken advantage of my whole life.

Hello beautiful souls. I appreciate being able to release the past even more with some of my story. I now see the unhealthy pattern I was living but didn’t understand it at the time. I had been married & divorced at 26, then married & widowed at 29. My first husband was my high school sweetheart who came from a lot of dysfunction & had anger issues. My second husband had been in the Marines for 6 years & came back with PTSD & had a drinking problem. He had gotten married & divorced before we got together. During our marriage I saw his problems with alcohol in a big way. He got physically abusive one evening & I left shortly after. He attempted suicide with over 100 pills & was in a coma for three months before dying. A year later I accepted a job offer & moved from California to Miami. I was 30 & found a wonderful new life & great friends. Five years later I met a professional guy who seemed so wonderful. We married 6 months later & had two daughters within 3 years. I wanted to go back to California where all my family was. He didn’t support that & things went down hill for the next year. He had started drinking a lot. I told him I wanted to separate. One night he came to our bedroom drunk & said he wanted one last “good one” if it was over. He held his fist over my face. The girls were across the hall asleep. I never argued in front of them & didn’t want them to wake up scared if he got crazy so I just gave in. He tried again later that night but finally left when I threatened to contact his father about what he’d done. I had angels all along though. I divorced him & had a wonderful intuitive judge who gave me full custody after a difficult divorce including court ordered counseling. So it’s no wonder I suppose that I haven’t been big on relationships but I do see that I had lots of lessons to learn in this life. Now I’m a Reiki practitioner & have found my purpose & so much healing. I love healing others now & I’m grateful for all the lessons I needed to find my power & my authentic self. I think I’d call it clarity💗